Coming out as anti-capitalist

The American Populous as An Army of Puppets (perhaps better framed as: “The Decline of Consciousness”)

The American Dream is a delusion.

Coercive rich people mold society, and our collective mores and norms, in order to reduce the human body into *DOCIL*ity to then be *UTIL*ized for their own gains.

I frame this treatise on Power using philosopher Michel Foucault’s assertions that (1) Those in power seek to maintain power, (2) Power is always coercive, (3) Coercion occurs as powerful people propagandize the masses, from cradle to grave, to politicize their own bodies, (4) That those who have internalized body politics will render themselves docile, (5) That those in power then further coerce these docile bodies into acting with utility ONLY in ways that serve the main function of power (to amass more power), (6) These “docile-utile” have a limited amount of energy, referred to as “biopower”, (7) Powers shape society into a system in which coercion becomes Insitutional, enforcing norms that exploit the docile-utile person’s biopower to its fullest extent everyd day, a process called “biopolitics”.

Unregulated capitalism is a breeding ground and stronghold for biopolitics and (successful) exploitation that society has been brainwashed into perpetuating themselves, sealing their fall into disenfranchisement―without even questioning it―and eventually dragging even those who resist down into the deepest trenches of Underclass proletariat.

It’s a failed system, and most of America has been also propagandized into believing regulatory policy is {“socialism,” as a rhetorical unit, hereby shorthand [S]}… that [S] (which is skewed far away from actual economically-healthy socialism) is all that socialism is… that [S] is akin to Tyranical Communism… that communism is Unamerican, thus [S] is Unamerican… thus, that anyone who advocates for any regulatory policy is Unamerican.

We’re drinking poison, and we’ve been taught to dehumanize people who tell others the reality of what we’re drinking.

9’o’clock a.m. to 5’o’clock p.m. is the time of peak energy and productive capacity of the average person. Nation-states with more socialist economics tend to give their employees a mandatory (politically regulated) break around 1pm to 2pm, when our bodies’ energy reaches its lowest daytime level. These countries may have powerful people, but the civilian body has kept them in check and are thus fighting against biopolitics.

Late capitalist economies instead push energy drinks marketing directly and explicitly to serve the purpose of “Beating the 2’o’clock feeling”, making them more money through the puppets that make those drinks, while simultaneously extracting more biopower from the working proletariat.

I absolutely REFUSE to buy or drink energy drinks for this reason. I am not a vehicle, so I’m not gonna pour Miracle Biopolitical Fuel down my throat.

WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE PEOPLE WHO AGREE WITH THIS??
////***this is a plea for solidarity***\\\\

I don’t talk about this stuff but I know it’s going on.
I don’t know yet how Mixed-Economy (democratic socialism, or regulated capitalism) paradigms would actually function, or if we need to push for a third-option beyond late capitalism AND state socialism.

So, I’m currently a skeptical economic liberal (bc I don’t consider regulation to be radical or anarchic)

But the more I feel/”grok”/intuit WHATEVER… Whenever I take-in the collective state of misery, ignorance, docility, lambs complicit to their own slaughter, delusional, anti-intellectual, nationalist, xenophobic, Amerco-centric, puppet-stringed, hateful, confused, disenfranchised, oppressed, assaulted Non-consciousness that pervades the nation, especially in regards to the institution of Employment….

… the more I’d rather just tear it all down and start over. The “collective aura” is what I’d describe as “crusty yet murky” and the collective consciousness is Void and Hollow.

It’s gross, and I’m hypersensitive, so I engage in “gainful” employment in “slices” during which I save 90% of my money and engage is metaphysical disciplines/practices that curb the consumerist habit (but these unfortunately tend toward “Right-Hand” paths which can be extremely grating to my nervous system). I then invest it into funds with balanced-allocation (between stocks and bonds), absolutely refuse to touch it, watch it grow to scratch that itch to feel productive, engage in practices that amplify that satisfaction so it becomes enough for me to carry the “I’m unemployed. My income comes from my investments,” shallow words to oblige the sheep to maintain social capital (reputation, saving face).

Once invested and showing stable growth, I resign from employment, resent the time I spent in it, rest on my laurels, and immerse myself in both “chaos”-oriented occultism and Highly-Liberal social justice. I set a strict time period, after which I return to employment, unless I’ve found a way during my “economic quarantine” to turn music into a career. And then I’m refreshed, self-empowered, powerful in the non-political sense, and basically just play along so I don’t starve.

My mom knows how I feel about this, and sees my options as “Well, I have no idea what I’d do… Well, fuck,”… and she’s allowed me to cohabitate with her indefinitely.

She’s fucking cool, and doesn’t buy into they “nuclear family” bullshit, and has always taught me to think like a maverick and an intellectual (especially with social intelligence). Her view is so devoid of being biopoliticked, that she literally sees it as More PRAGMATIC and More PRODUCTIVE to “be roommates and financial support for each other, rather than pay for two separate living arrangements {these are her words} where I have to be alone, and you have to try and find a roommate that you can trust as much as me… which is no one” {Literally Her Words}.

Thus, I am blessed with “Eras” of alternating “playing along for survival” and “No Holds Barred esoteric and intellectual AND empathic exploration.

But I don’t know where my allies are. And I don’t know what else, other than supramundane stuff, I can do to expedite this Self-Sovereignty Thing.

Where muh ppl at?

Cringey dating profile draft!!

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My self-summary:

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The most interesting things I’ve ever done were when I lived in a Zen monastery before getting kicked out to join a group of homeless monks on the other side of the country, and when a Swedish celebrity (Alex Bard) paid for my trip to Sweden, Germany the UK and Canada so that some philosophers and social scientists in the “meta-modernist” movement (post-postmodernism, after the postmodern) could host me at their houses and prepare me to study with a Harvard professor (Michael Lamport Commons) to learn his theory of adult psychological development (the “model of hierarchical complexity”).

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Looking for friends who happen to want to cuddle with me, not the reverse of that. 100% open to a relationship and/or sex if either develop. Love and devotion is priceless, but not something I expect to happen tbph– I’m kind of slow when it comes to that.

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In the slang of our nerdy people:

　-　If I had a “Patronus” (a la Harry Potter), it would be a fennec fox, a barn own or Hayley Williams from Paramore.
　-　My character class is INFJ, and my kin-type is Dark Elf.
　-　My alignment is Chaotic Neutral, but I sometimes play Neutral Evil.

• I actually don’t like doing tabletop role-play or LARPing at all, but I enjoy watching the games..???
  　
  　
  If I had to assign an aesthetic to my personality, it would be “perpetually-recovering early-’00s emo mall-rat stereotype”.

If all my life’s tragedies were turned into a movie, the theme song would be “Eeyore” by Slipknot.

If all my life’s comedies were turned into a movie, the theme song would be “No Bootycalls” by Kelly/Liam Kyle Sullivan.
　
　
　

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What I’m doing with my life:

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For the purpose of this website and the majority of people reading this, assume a Polyamorous approach with me unless I say otherwise.

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I’m learning to put on the lifelong mask that is Adulting. Getting used to it and the allergic reactions I have to it.
　　
　 　 Easing myself back “out there” (seeking surgeries, and disability insurance) and I just got done seeing an Autism specialist to learn practical adulting that never quite stuck bc it was only ever presented to me in a non-autistic format that made no sense to me. Now that it makes sense, I’ve been able to get off of all the dumb medications I was prescribed as a kid, saving a lot of money.
　
　
　 　 Physically disabled (breathing disorder & tardive dyskinesia) due to my time before my autism diagnosis, when they misdiagnosed me as “Anxiety Disorder not otherwise specified” and put me on types of medication that cause permanent nerve damage. I’ve done one of my two surgeries, and I may have to go through vocational rehab in order to get a job again, so I can pay for the second surgery.

　　
　Trying to teach myself metaphysics, quantum mechanics, radical political theory, and transpersonal psychology, but I think I need a teacher tbph.　Ideally, I might even try to join a mutual aid group or some kind of “intentional community” in the future, but not for a while and only if I get there through meeting people and making friends and it just kind of happens naturally.
　

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I’m really good at:

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Being shamelessly contented with all my flaws, and refusing to make a big deal about myself..?

Editing OKCupid profiles to say a slightly different version of what my profile used to say..?

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Favorite books, movies, shows, music, food:

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　¤　 Books:　 The Little Prince (Le Petit Prince),　 Fight Club (the movie was meh!),　 Tuesdays with Morrie (An Old Man, A Young Man, and Life’s Greatest Lesson),　 NeuroTribes (The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity),　 Black Marxism (The Making of the Black Radical Tradition),　 Spiritualise (Cultivating Spiritual Sensibility to Address 21st Century Challenges),　 Meaningness (e-“book” hosted at meaningness[dot]com),　 Against the Web (A Cosmopolitan Answer to the New Right),　 Skillful Coping (Essays on the Phenomenology of Everyday Perception and Action),　 How We Get Free (Black Feminism and the Combahee River Collective),
　
　
　
　¤　 Anime:　 Fushigi Yuugi,　 Haruhi Suzumiya,　 Eureka Seven,　 Revolutionary Girl Utena,　 Psycho-Pass,　 Steins;Gate,　 Gurren Lagann,　 Elfen Lied,　 Higurashi When They Cry,　 Mahou Shoujo Madoka*Magica,　 Clannad,　 Sailor Moon,　 Cowboy Bebop,　 Magic Knight Rayearth,　 Ghost in the Shell,　 Erased,　 Darker than Black,　 Durarara,　 Neon Genesis Evangelion,　 Baccano,　 FLCL,　 Angel Beats,　 Ergo Proxy,　 Death Note,　 Ouran High School Host Club,　 Blue Exorcist,　 Kanon,　 Azumanga Daioh,
　
　
　
　¤　 Movies:　 Mr. Nobody,　 original Planet of the Apes saga,　 The Sweetest Thing,　 Tank Girl,　 Austin Powers: Goldmember,　 The Craft,　 Amadeus,　 A Dangerous Method,　 Paris Is Burning,　 Coherence,　 Final Destination 1+2,　 Gypsy ’83,　 Silence of the Lambs,　 The Little Vampire,　A Little Princess,　 The Lion King 2,　 Big Hero 6,
　
　
　
　¤　 Shows:　 Charmed,　 Buffy the Vampire Slayer,　 Judging Amy,　 X-Files,　 Handmaid’s Tale,　 Bob’s Burgers,　 Frasier,　 RuPaul’s Drag Race,　 Roseanne,　 Pose,　 I Am Jazz,　 Degrassi: TNG,　 Salem,　 Dharma & Greg,　 Äkta Människor (Real Humans)
　
　
　
　
　____MUSIC____
　¤　 Alt/hardcore　(post-hardcore + prog mostly, with pop-punk in there, too)
　 　 　»　 Paramore,　 My Chem,　 Slipknot,　 Kanako Itou,　 Fefe Dobson,　 Circa Survive,　 Unleash the Archers,　 KANA-BOON,　 The Birthday Massacre,　 CHVRCHES,　 Tonight Alive,　 Atreyu,　 UVERworld,　 The Mars Volta,　 Boys Like Girls,
　
　
　¤　 R&B/rhythmic-pop　 (r&b-soul mostly + some more pop stuff)
　 　 　»　 Ashanti,　 Lauryn Hill,　 BIGBANG,　 BoA,　 Nicki Minaj,　 Ariana Grande,　 Cherrie,　 TLC,　 En Vogue,　 Aaliyah,　 Jordin Sparks,　 Tamar Braxton,　 Beyoncé,
　
　
　¤　 Electronic/”EDM” (hardcore trance + epic trance mostly)
　 　 　»　 dj TAKA,　 Infected Mushroom,　 DJ Sharpnel,　 Ryu☆,　 Sota Fujimori,　 Naoki Maeda,　 several other BEMANI musicians,　 Daft Punk,　 DJ Shimamura,　 kors k,　 TaQ,　 Studio Killers,　 VNV Nation,
　
　
　¤　 Hip-hop/funk　 (east-coast/southern mostly + some midwest)
　 　 　»　 Big Tymers,　 cupcakKe,　 Nas,　 Common,　 Eve,　 OutKast,　 Lil Uzi Vert,　 Angel Haze,　 Digable Planets,　 Megan Thee Stallion,　 Black Eyed Peas,　 Nappy Roots,　 Young M.a.,
　
　
　¤　 Pop-rock/pop　 (female vocalist + ballads mostly)
　 　 　»　 You Me At Six,　 Gabrielle Aplin,　 Reik,　 Jordin Sparks,　 Molly Sandén,　 BeForU,　 Sia,　 Ayumi Hamasaki,　 Lea Michele,　 Do As Infinity,　 Jessie J,　 P!nk,　 GACKT,　 The All-American Rejects
　
　
　
　
　¤　 __Food:__　 Lots of sucralose,　 tiny bit of real sugar (weirds my nerves out),　 bread,　 PANCAAAAKES with a side of jujitsu,　 tomato sauces,　 chicken,　 turkey bacon,　 pickles,　 seafood,　 sashimi,　 salads,　 broccoli,　 blueberries,　 raspberries,　 squash,　 mixed greens,　 oats,　 asparagus,　 artichokes,　 peanut butter,　 cashews,　 onions,　 chickpeas,　 zucchini,　 avocadoes,　 eggs,　 strawberries,　 mild peppers,　 cheeses,　 spinach,　 mushrooms,　 watermelon,　 olives, 　 and whatever you could make with any number of those ingredients
　
　
　

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Six things I could never do without:

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1.　The countless people behind the scenes ensuring my basic needs and securities
2.　My well-earned coping skills
3.　Music to listen to, talk about, and dance to
4.　Friends that make the rest of life feel like music
5.　The support and training from my mentors
6.　Open exchange of knowledge and practices
　

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I spend a lot of time thinking about:

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　 　What brings people together, what tears them apart, how to better enjoy everyday experiences, random songs that make me happy, random songs that inspire new thoughts.

　 　Generally trying to keep a coherent perception of the society around me, even if it makes me uncomfortable to accommodate so many different viewpoints all at once.

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On a typical Friday night I am:

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　 　Music and relaxation,
joyrides alone or with a friend,
　 　absorbing a week’s worth of ideas in one night,
or contemplating the subtle emotions and physical processes behind large-scale social problems and triumphs

Sometimes all at once if I’m rather inspired or particularly insane
　

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You should message me if:

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You’re capable of compassionate, human communication. You don’t expect anyone to sign up for the premium/paid version of this website.

　 　You have a car.　I’ve been there (used to be car-less): Experiencing both sides, it’s not a fair exchange of time/energy to have only one person driving, and the transportation system here sucks too much to make up for that.
　
　
You like meeting in person sooner rather than later. Text can become rather dry pretty quickly for me.

　 　Particularly if you’re a cis or trans man/ -masculine, and/or non-binary, fluid, agender, etc… 　I don’t have any transphobic genital preferences, and when I say “non-binary”, I don’t mean “man Lite(tm)” or “woman Lite(tm)”, and I’m not making any transphobic references to Sex Assigned At Birth at all.

　 　I haven’t been with many women (trans or cis) or fem-aligned people in general, but I’ve been exploring my sexuality more recently and have been in polyamorous ‘poly-cules’ with women/fem people before with no complaints. ❤
　
　
　

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Multiply-Disabled with toxic support environment.

——I live with an addict and an enabler

And i deeply resent it——–

-I’m autistic and physically disabled and have worked my ass off in therapy, spiritual training and pushing for disability entitlements in order to lower the financial burden on my mom, my main and only caretaker, for years.

I’ve been prescribed seven medications simultaneously just to function in a scholastic setting, I persevered through it and singlemindedly fixated on “completely unburdening my mom” down to budgeting for my own chap-stick and driving myself into clinically-verified temporary insanity to work two jobs and go to school full time simultaneously, which led to me becoming permanently physically disabled.

I got myself to the point where I function quite okay and happily on some inexpensive L-theanine tablets daily (over the counter, the chemical that’s in tea, less expensive than actual tea), and four to eight kratom capsules per week to take the edge off of the fact that according to clinical standards, I don’t have enough of an autistic support network to function adequately.

My sibling, on the other hand, has been diagnosed since age eight with ADHD, has done nothing to compensate for any difficulties, treats diagnosed anxiety with layers and layers of expensive addictions, including packs of caffeinated soda and cups upon cups of coffee every single day, complaining about how anxiety pills aren’t working that well!

They raised the dose to the max and prescribed a second medication, and then a third, all without addressing caffeine intake AT ALL, lying and omitting to psychiatrists, to the point where all these expensive medications now have medicinal marijuana added to the mix which might work great without mountains of caffeine, but is extremely expensive because WE DON’T HAVE INSURANCE.

My mom puts up with this, expects me to just keep chugging along with autism and disability while I treat a clinically-insufficient level of support with… TEA and a few kratom pills per week. Kratom is powdered plant leaves that are in the same family as caffeine but calm you down instead of stimulate.

I also have ADHD.

My sibling also smokes three times as many cigarettes as my mom, also insists on having a vape pen because “I’ll quit the cigs eventually!”, refuses to get a driver license even though I busted my ass to learn even though it was very difficult for me, I learned fucking YOGA and ZEN primarily to deal with how fucking scary driving and working was for me…..

….I drive to do errands whenever my mom is too booked or tired, my sibling threatens me with violence whenever I refuse to drop everything to deal with whatever fucking crisis their dysfunctional addict-enabler dynamic creates…..

And on top of all that, the wastefulness, the expenses, my sibling also begs for VIRTUAL ITEMS ON VIDEO GAMES that have to be purchased with REAL MONEY, guilt-trips my mom whenever she resists the begging, and then calls her a “fucking bitch” whenever she doesn’t budge, and sometimes even AFTER she complies but doesn’t comply fast enough or without resistance.

I cope using tea tablets that are cheaper than actual tea, and some capsules filled with crushed up leaves from the kratom plant. I ask for nothing. The last thing I asked my mom to buy me aside from physical necessities and cheap plant medicine was a $15 dollar book so I can learn how to counteract racist, sexist ideologies in my every day life. Before that, was like maybe over a year ago when I asked to go to an anime convention for a day.

My sibling asks for video game items almost weekly, on top of 4 medications that are only necessary due to caffeine addiction.

I’ve never smoked cigarettes in my incredibly stressful life. They both smoke from the same stash, but she smokes like a third as much and they’re her fucking cigarettes and she works her ass off for a disabled autistic 29 year old and a grown fucking spoiled child.

I have clinically diagnosed post-traumatic stress.

My sibling turned thirty-one years old a few weeks ago.

I’ve only recently managed to beg my mom to stop forcing me to drive a violent, abusive adult child around to pick up weed and cigarettes because it’s fucking traumatising to even interact with that scumbag in the first place.

I’ve petitioned several times since I was fifteen to throw that piece of shit out on the streets. Beyond help. Beyond redemption. A fucking parasite.

Anyway, I’m disabled and live in a traumatising household as my only lifeline, but I still strive to learn and grow in whatever ways I can.

I’ve been studying quantum physics, transpersonal psychology, political science, the history of social movements of the U.S. and Africa, Taoist metaphysics, autism self-advocacy, cognitive psychology, and working on any and all internalised bigotries.

All by myself. It fucking feels amazing that my mom will take care of me until we absolutely don’t have a choice and I have to load up on medications again to function in the working world.

But the maddening thing is that the same ethic of care and understanding of disability that my mom has for me is completely weaponised against her by someone who does nothing to help themself.

My sibling is THIRTY ONE YEARS OLD. Not fifteen. Thirty one.

I don’t think about suicide in my dark hours. I think about how much better our lives would be if my parasitic sibling would just fucking overdose already.

Coming Out 2020: I’m gayer than I thought! #Pride

So, I know I came out as a gay boy when I was 13, but that was prior to relationships or sex.

I think I’ve hinted that I’ve come out as non-binary, and that it’s an internal thing about how I conceptualise femininity and masculinity and relate to neither.

But I haven’t come out as All The Things i realised about myself after my Zen meditation years in 2013.

I’m not gay. As in I’m not homosexual. I’ve been attracted to men, I’ve been attracted to “butch” women, and I’ve been attracted to non-binary people.

My attractions are different depending on gender, and I didn’t realise this was pretty run-of-the-mill bisexuality because i came out so young back when i thought “bisexual” meant basically “I feel the same way about all genders”.

I don’t. I’m obviously attracted to “masculine” features and anywhere from “androgynous” to “butch” aesthetics and vibes, too.

I have no preference for body parts, only some body types I guess.

This is apparently the “opposite” of a lot of bisexual people who are raised thinking they’re boys.

Themore typical thing for bisexual people who were assigned male at birth is to be attracted to women and also be attracted to “fem” and/or waify men. At least this is how it plays out in popular media and with bisexual men who are outside of the “gay scene”. It’s a representation I saw and it was what I thought Bisexual meant.

I’m the exact opposite, so i just assumed I was gay and had random “aesthetic” attraction to the occasional “butch” woman or “tomboy”.

Apparently, no, that means I’m bisexual, and since I’ve embraced that, I’ve also developed other feelings for people who are definitely not men. Affection, devotion, spiritual longing, sexual attraction, etc…

 

So, as if that wasn’t gay enough…

In addition to being non-binary, to be specific I don’t identify with manhood, womanhood, masculinity, femininity, or any androgynous or fluid combination of the above.

 

But anyway, part 3 of my extra Super Mega Gayness (queer identities)

I’m aromantic. As in Not-Romantic.

My significant others who I call my “partners” have been a combination of “close friend” + “cuddle buddy” + “sex partner” rolled into one, with no extra layers of… well… romanticizing the idea of “us”. I don’t get the fuzzies people describe, I don’t create a nuclear idea of the relationship itself and attach a kind of blanket of intense sentimentality to “us”. We just are what we are.

I’ve never felt that extra sentimentality. The things I’ve described as “crushes” when I was younger were, even at the age of 13 me and my boyfriend talked about how I personally felt a combination of lust + affection + “love you like a bro”. We even made up a specific word for it (“cruvust”) because “love” didn’t feel right to me.

But he loved me. Romantically. Told all his friends about me, etc…. He continued to feel that way years after we broke up. I never felt the way he described his feelings. But the entire time we were together, our devotion to one another was equal.

I now say “I love you” to partners when I reach the combo of sexual attraction + sensual/affectionate attraction + best friend. I explain to my partners that that’s how I feel companionate love. And that they can’t expect me to express certain sentiments, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love them and that I’m not devoted. I don’t get wrapped up in anything beyond “Let’s be best friends for as long as we can stick together, I want you in my life” and the attachments of sex, passion, affection, significance are rolled up in that. But I’ve never been expressive of some of the more… circular, possibly obsessive, “us” thinking in any way different from a best friend.

I’ve had one relationship where i became obsessed with my partner, but it was when i hated myself and literally just wanted to study their life and figure out how to be more like them. It was obsession, not romance, and the way I said “I love you” to him always felt gross and wrong.

So, umm, yea. People can have fulfilling, devoted, loving relationships without everyone in the relationship being prone to romanticising the relationship itself and having that “circular layer of sentimental fixation” that is romance.

I’ve had partners have to break up with me because of this. I felt all the things I needed to feel, but i could never behave in the manner that expressed that specific sentimental package of emotions.

I’m not built for it, and some of the best, most stable relationships I’ve had were with people who accepted that.

So, yea. I’m bisexual, non-binary and aromantic. But I remember what it was like to believe I’m gay and a dude kinda by default, but I don’t relate 16 years later.

….

Because I’m a communist uber Snowflake degenerate in every single way, and have no chance at ever being taken seriously by the mainstream, and even portions of the left wing of politics:

The specific kind of non-binary identity that seems to best fit my own view of myself is called “Aporagender” (outside-of gender). I have a sense of gender, but it’s not feminine, masculine, any combination of the two, a neutral ground, OR a lack of gender.

My aesthetics, even though I don’t identify or understand why such labels exist, are described as “masculine of center”. I don’t like wearing frilly or flowy things due to my sensory issues, don’t like having long hair for the same reason, so my “gender presentation” preferences can range from what people call “masculine” or even “”manly” to “androgynous” to even “effeminate” I guess, but never anything that’s “just for girls”/”girly”.

 

This is described my Tumblr ultra gender uwu fanatics as “Gender-faun”.

 

I don’t identify as genderfaun, but apparently if I were ever scrutinised by Tumblr, they might think that label is great. But even though I’m aporagender and a special Snowflake, I guess “genderfaun presentation” is a step too Special for me.

 

I think I’ve documented the full extent of my gender and sexual exploration throughout my entire life

Because I’m so breathtakingly special, and my non-binaryness makes me feel weird about the word “Bisexual”, I prefer to say I’m “Polysexual” (many genders) and not “Pansexual” because I assume that since I’m never attracted to very feminine-looking people (regardless of what gender they are or their parts) and my level of attraction seems to diminish the more feminine someone behaves, it’s safe to assume there’s some gender out there that doesn’t match my preferences. So i don’t say Pansexual bc there’s very likely a gender in the vast Tumblr sea of “Fem-aligned” and “xeno-feminine” genders out there that will just not be my cup of tea.

I’m literally too Specifically Queer for both the word “Bisexual” and “Pansexual” oh god my dating life is over and not even most LGBTQ+ people will put up with my identities, oh god why.

…..

I’ve never actually come out as any of this prior to today, outside of Twitter, and vague explanations to my mom and a few Facebook friends.

 

Yay. As far as the aromantic thing goes, that’s my most straightforward identity. I simply Do Not Romance and that’s it. There’s actually a separate word in psychology (the word is “alterity”, literally “otherness”) for the significant attachment to others, so when I describe my attractions other than sexual stuff, I specify the I’m not romantic, but I do develop significant attachments.

I’m literally writing this as a cheat sheet to reference in case I have trouble explaining myself to a future significant other.

Polysexual, aporagender (Genderfaun presentation), aromantic, poly-alterous (capable of significant attachment to multiple genders), pan-affectionate (I will kiss and cuddle regardless of gender stuff), I’m fucking illustriously queer pls don’t gatekeep me. Most people will assume I’m a bisexual man, and that is my burden going into relationships.

Pride 2020 (a little late, I know), trans rights, fuck exclusionary assholes!

Love/Light(tm), more like Dangerous/Bullshit(tbh)

Let me just start by saying that this CHART ITSELF is dangerous bullshit.

So how about those Right-Hand Path people who are also ironically prejudiced and judgmental as all get-out?

And don’t even realize it.

How do you reconcile paths that build the self (also called Left-Hand Paths) with some spiritual “schematic” that insists that you raise your frequency toward “Omega” (which is the creator of this chart’s word of Source/Spirit/The All) if a lot of self-deification involves learning how to work in an magnanimous way with some of these “lower”-frequency emotions?

I’ve personally experienced, as a prior adherent to this collective of Alignment-with-Source Is Better Than Alignment-with-Psyche No Matter What nonsense, that some people vibrate sympathetically “higher” in regards to being closer to the emotions of this “Omega Point”, and some people actually vibrate higher in regards to things that are listed in the middle of this diagram:

Love (conditional, especially)
Reason,
Acceptance,
Willingness (in terms of willpower),
Neutrality (if by neutrality you mean “magnanimity”),
Courage (which isn’t a lack of fear, but bravery in spite of fear),
Pride (I’d say confidence-of-Psyche more than “arrogance”),

Anger resonates well with me, and when I see it in others, if it’s basically just righteous indignation.  Because in building what your Psyche “stands for”, it will naturally ricochet off of what it doesn’t stand for.  But that’s what Magnanimity is for:

As you empower yourself, you learn to use that power to help yourself and/or others to varying degrees.

And people who go for Service To Self (STS) rather than Service to Others (STO) should not be maligned.  The only thing that should be objectionable and considered unhealthy is having one without the other:  Your ability to be of service to others will suffer if you don’t take care of yourself.

And “taking care of yourself” does not mean simply showering yourself with words you read on Positive Psychology in order to “raise your vibration”… words that actually tend to dismiss a large proportion of the human experience, as if negative emotions were cancerous and unhelpful.  They’re not.  They’re intuitive and insightful.

And in general, “Desire” should not be placed on this diagram at all.  Everyone desires. Suffering in the face of desire- so, “Covetousness“- might be more accurate of a vice for any spiritual path to look out for.

I don’t believe all people respond to these emotions the same way.  Frequencies are like striking a bell, not like just picking up on sympathetic vibrations like some kind of passive conduit.

Some people are struck with those “mid-level” emotions and respond by vibrating as high as others respond to the “higher ones”.

Actually, the closer I got to Source, the worse I felt.

 

Spirit workers of “Left-Hand Paths” are more about finding a balance point “dead center” in between Spirit and Gaia, Cosmos and Chaos, Light and Shadow.  What balances and empowers Itself at the center is the individual’s own psyche.  Or capital-P “Psyche” if you will.  And with their Psyche fortified, they’ll vibrate at whatever fucking frequency they want because there’s nothing “better” about “higher” anyway.

The middle point is where I resonate the best, am the happiest personally, and the most helpful and beneficial to others.

 

You can keep your Peace and Enlightenment, and I’ll be over here with my Ego- thanks.

 

I have a theory that Left-Hand Path vs Right-Hand Path may take quite a bit of ricocheting to balance out, if you come too heavily from one side and take it beyond its helpful conclusions.

 

I had a Kundalini Awakening (if you need my “credentials”, I was actually diagnosed by a team of clinical psychologists as “suffering the effects” of a Spiritual Emergence- they use the term as a colloquial, and actually consider it synonymous with psychosis in a clinical context).

Which is like the par excellence of Right-Hand Path.

 

However, afterward, I found actually that shit just made me nuts and siphoned all my vitality and made me a miserable wretch to be around.

Yoga became a source of this aimless rage, meditations that used to bring samadhi suddenly brought crippling psychic backlash, and even trying to do Reiki with my actual physical right hand would cause my energy to get all wonky.

 

 

I actually– around the time I worked through a lot of powerful post-traumatic stress and mended some vital fences with my mom and did a great deal of healing-…

ALERT!
ALERT!
Now entering extreme WOOWOO.

-….

… The collective energy from my Zen practice created a sort of “beacon” that went off during the build-up periods of, actually, a few Kundalini asplosions.  And it was enough of a beacon that it forged a spiritual communication with a fractal of a Deitic force that I identified as that of Set from Ancient Egyptian culti.

And around that time, also, my Reiki teacher actually had to attune me for Reiki channeling through my actual left hand, and I also had to switch to my right hand in order to receive crystal energy.

 

Totes “doing it wrong”, but umm… Shove it, please?  Because I’m not going to put a crystal in my left hand if that’s going to shoot crystal energy at unsuspecting passersby…?

It was weird, and I’m glad we caught the shift as it happened, because I was really in a period of clinging to my old Right-Hand practices, and rejected the notion of anything that would seek to differentiate Psyche from Source.

 

(Left-Hand Paths basically accentuate the Psyche and turn it into basically a self-contained quasi-deity… still bound to this realm, but as close to a Source-In-A-Vacuum as you can get without surrendering to the “Big One” as Right-Handers do.)

 

I personally believe that every individual should make sure they’re open to recognizing if a shift occurs and be willing to make radical changes if the shift is radical, and subtle changes if the shift is subtle.

I don’t care if that means you donate all your yoga mats and incense to charity- or burn them if that’s your catharses- and become a neophyte of some infernal cult that openly practices curses!

 

Honor your energy, and do it ethically.  Being a dick to people who change course is not being ethical, and can be incredibly stifling at its mildest, and dangerous and life-shattering at its worst.

If I get to a point where the pendulum swings back toward Right-Hand, I truly hope for the sake of my well-being (and not going psychotic and hurting the people around me who depend on me) that it swings only slightly, and perhaps to a place where I can have a “ambidextrous” approach-…

Wherever my karmic blueprint takes me, I’m fine with it.

 

 

The “ambidextrous” balance isn’t the same thing as anything I can conceive of as the “balance” of each particular Handedness Path.  To be balanced in Right-Hand paths, you basically have to disperse your psyche’ic influence evenly between Gaia and Spirit (“Root” and “Crown”, or “Earth Star” and “Higher Crown” if you’re into transpersonal stuff)….

And in Left-Hand paths, you basically concentrate the psyche’s energy into a point between Gaia and Spirit, forge your ego boundaries, superego flexibility, id tempering… and then navigate basically wherever the fuck you want anywhere along the “energy axis” of that fun little fascist diagram at the beginning of this post!

 

I can’t imagine what “ambidextrous” would look like in terms of balance, because you can’t disperse and condense at the same time unless you’re some kind of actual Deity on another plane.

So, I’m not too worried about any notion “for now, at least”.  If it happens, it happens.

Western notions of “Spirit Work” are far too one-sided, and that’s also bullshit.

The kind of esoteric societies that cater to Left-Hand Path walkers who are cenobitic (group-practice oriented) tend to be much more difficult to navigate in these times since we live in a globalizing culture that pushes a lot of this Cookie Cutter “spirit work” that’s way too one-sided.
As indicated by the rhetorical “alpha and omega” axis on the OP’s chart, in which the bottom is clearly seen as inferior.

Which is kind of a slap in the face to people who do shadow-work, tbh.

 

But anyway, I don’t know how I’ll have the social access and means to self-deify since I’m rather cenobitic, and because those kind of societies have been pushed to the periphery by Stepford Yoga(tm), they’re usually only accessible to people who are rather well-off financially.  Because rituals and vestibules cost dollars.

 

… So, I don’t foresee being able to “Take Left-Hand Path beyond its helpful conclusion” (as I managed to do with Right-Hand) for the reason of differentials of access to other practice containers that would accelerate my progress toward whatever the Left-Hand version of a Kundalini Awakening is.  So, the chance of me having some Infernal God-Mode Awakening may be slim until I get a job or something because I don’t think there are any Kemetic (Ancient Egyptian culti) or Neosabbatian Kabbalic monasteries that will let me stay there if I chop vegetables in the kitchen and ask real nicely.

 

 

Darkworkers get kind of shafted, actually.

Yes, the Light-/Dark- thing is kind of a misnomer.

Lightworkers are Right-Hand.
Darkworkers are Left-Hand.
There’s a little bit of prejudice in those terms if you consider how Love and LIGHT is pushed as some sort of Be All End All of spirit work these days.

 

It’s not a dichotomy so much as it’s a like… a spiritual orientation.

Like I wouldn’t function very well trying to force myself to use cognitive faculties that are outside of my skill set, I’m not going to function well by doing the kind of Surrender-to-Spirit that is involved in Lightwork/Right-Hand Path.

 

I’m also, in another of these false dichotomies, of no real use to others if I’m engaging in Service-To-Others (STO) as my primary mode and Service-To-Self (STS) as my secondary “back-up”.

I would even dare say that Lightworker/Darkworker and STO/STS are not mutually exclusive and are certainly not synonymous.

Shocking. I know.

 

Lightwork/Darkwork could be considered “which frequency works best for you” of referencing Fascist Chart above, and STO/STS would be “what do you have to do with your Psyche’s energy in order for it to function in the most beneficial way for everyone including yourself“.

The “including yourself” comes across as nails on a chalkboard to some Western practitioners of especially Eastern practices.  That’s very troubling, and terribly inaccurate.

Not all Lightworkers are STO.

Hindu-Buddhist schools can be very STO-oriented, yes, that’s true.  Like the mahayana practices in Buddhism, in which the practitioners abstain from complete permanent absorption into Nirvana in order to “stay behind” and help all beings.

However, some vajrayana (tantra) and pretty much all sravakayana and pratyekabuddhayana practitioners (also disparagingly called “Hinayana”) are Service-to-Self!

And they involve basically transcending this world because it’s suffering and suffering is icky they don’t wanna anymore!

 

It would be the difference between becoming an “bodhisattva” (mahayana, those who “stay behind”) or an “arhat” (sravakayana) and “buddha” (pratyekabuddhayana).  The latter two don’t “stay behind” and basically just get the fuck out of here or they end up teaching from their transcendent position.

I would argue that many American yoga practitioners are actually Lightworkers who are forcing themselves to be STO-primary when some of them might not be, leading to the neurotic Stepford Yogis(tm) who aren’t really all that happy and are actually kind of assholes and stuck-up in regards to their practice.

 

A lot of the reason so many Western practitioners of Eastern traditions fall into traps is because they’re being way too stringent with what they consider “doing it right”:

Eastern traditions did not disparage arhats and pratyekabuddhas unless they were novices and their more well-tempered teachers basically told them to stop being prejudiced assholes and to shut the fuck up and go clean a floor or sit under a tree or something.

 

This image of the “Peace and Love” as the only way is very damaging.  It’s akin to spiritual fascism, and I’ve heard many stories of people going off the rails and destroying their lives, going clinically insane- been there, lived to tell the tale- who were basically shamed for “doing it wrong” when they told supposedly compassionate people about their reservations about continuing to practice.

They’re told “Well, if you did [x;y;z], your kundalini awakening would have went smoothly.”  And they dismiss it as “must have had a bad teacher.”  They also tend to be very unsympathetic unless you agree with them and admit that you’re a dismal failure and throw yourself back into a fire that your Soul is basically saying “No more!” to.

 

Bitch, my teacher was one of the highest-esteemed Zen roshis in the United States and I would choose her monastery over any of the shitty homogenous yoga-factories or OSHO(tm) cash-cows in this spiritually-bankrupt excuse of a “Western adoption” of Eastern practices.

I don’t even follow those paths anymore, but I believe they are tremendously powerful if and only if they’re open to being flexible on the STO/STS axis.

 

How many people are out there who are claiming to have transcended their “Small Self” and just move on to talk incessantly about the Ten Different Words They Have For Different Kinds Of Self: “Big self, “small self”, “thinking self”, “true self”, “Ego-mind”, “Heartmind”, “Pure-Bliss-Consciousness”, ….

…. Yeah, finding a way to split yourself into 10 different things is definitely very transcendent of you.

Bonus points if you disparage people who would choose “Ego-mind” over “Pure-Bliss-Consciousness” any day of the week.

Extra bonus points if you disparage people like me who do make that choice but still respect others for making any of the “10” (or more) other choices..

 

You know how much crap I get for speaking out about this?

The immediate thing I’ve gotten is basically the spiritual equivalent of Tone-Shaming where they assume I’m defiled because I dare call someone out.  Because that’s too “angry”.

There’s some stupid shit going on, and reacting subversively to stupidity is actually helpful if I gauge my audience!

 

You know how many Right-Hand Path MASTERS are even more heavy-handed than me?

Many right-hand pather’s in America don’t know that, because they’d rather get their weekend Vippasana retreat to “calm down” twice a year than to go to a financially-struggling local sangha for free once or twice a week and actually work from someone who’s not completely misrepresenting Hindu-Buddhist practices in a very dangerous and arrogant way.

 

Just because your Psyche is dispersing across the cosmic-chaotic axis and surrendering to Spirit, does not mean that the social sanctions against other practices that are implicit in your practice guidelines are in any way helpful and “loving”.

(Example: Every yoga practitioner who talks about “Ego” as if it’s some festering cancer that needs to be eradicated from existence…)

 

That shit is damaging.  The original Hindu and Buddhist practices were about basically “Tightening-Up” the ego to borrow a slang term.

They were not about self-annihilation until much much later on, and only if the practitioner chose that path.

 

The yoga system in the commercialized world is a joke and is very dangerous because it fails to transmute people’s ethical parts of their psyches and their intrapersonal self-oriented parts, before putting them into these yoga positions that could trigger a kundalini “spike” before their mind is disciplined enough to handle it.

Yoga has eight limbs, not just postures and breathing practices.

The inflexibility of some people rests solely in how insecure they are in their own spiritual convictions:

If they were secure, they would be able to validate multitudes of life-paths and still feel convicted in their own.

 

I’d much rather be ranting about the bastardization of Western practices- and even the prejudices that exist even in Eastern practitioners, then to be in some automata state of manufactured “bliss”….

Even if that requires that I embrace my ego and rail against Egregious Bullshit of Especially Heinous Proportion.

Even if that involves me thinking I’m clever and awesome in the process.

Because I am.  And I’m also helping, so bugger off, wanker.

 

Because that’s how I help others after helping myself.

I no longer force myself to follow love-and-light as if it’s the only way, and no longer become completely reactive and prejudiced- and even flat-out belligerent- against people who dare challenge that bogus exclusivity.

I’ve actually met very few people on those “bliss-oriented” paths that haven’t completely skewered me and acted as if my ego were cancerous.

They literally assume that I’m miserable simply because I’m choosing to embrace something that will never go away (Ego) unless you become a transcendent master.

And, if they knew anything about the Bodhisattva statue on the front desk of the yoga studio (in front of the cash register in front of the overpriced HuggerMugger products they have on sale)… they’d know that those bodhisattva warriors who practice Service-to-Others will never be a transcendent master and a bodhisattva at the same time because the whole point of bodhisattvayana/mahayana is to stay behind, abstain from transcendence, and help all beings basically play Catch-Up.

 

It’s so arrogant, and I’d much rather hang with the “angry” Satanists because at least they tend to be like “Hmm… if that peace stuff is where you get your kicks, more power to you, but I’m gonna go direct bad karma at someone because they’re being a dick to other people.”

 

/Drops mic/

/Reads my own words over again to tickle my ego/

/Won’t shit all over people who get off the shit I get off on

/Super Saiyan liek lvl 7/

thoughts on “We’re All Gods”

A preface: All I need for happiness is to know that I’ve secured myself ready access to four “things”:

1. Elation (in small doses, bc I’m not particularly materialistic or hedonist)
2. Conviction (to remain open to gnosis)
3. Compassion (an act of will to be just and empathetic, unconditionally)
4. Faith (the most critical, because it’s what I lean on when the other feels 1 through 3 aren’t readily available sometimes)

That’s it as far as happiness goes. I always turn inward first, fortify my convictions, question my faith, remain patient even when my compassion is tested. Practices, meditation, chakra-work, mantra, a sort of internal alchemical Taoism, running occasionally, incisive contemplation, free-association, Shadow work, Reiki when it occurs to me.

By fortifying and readjusting my internal world by any means necessary, that won’t effect other people who aren’t willing to be affected in whatever their enjoinment or abidance should require, including going completely clinically insane and sitting in stillness as my unconscious merges with my conscious. Shadow + Expedient means (intense meditation) = basically reformating my harddrive and starting from scratch.

This makes it easier to experience elation because my desires and aversions are mitigated if not done away with completely. It also opens up more compassion because the desires and aversions act as conditionals, so less of them makes unconditional compassion easier.

Find the Gnostic Absolute Source (of everything)… transcendent Ultimate, within myself first.

This strengthens my conviction and my faith.

Bam. And if I can’t find it within sometimes, I turn outward for help from people and in searching for gnoses that confirm that the Source within is all around. (Panentheism = God-in-Everything).

Not very hard.

Wrong. Desires and aversions formulate pretty inocuously if left unchecked, and if they pile into your psyche, and you internalize them, their goes Elation (because too much internal dissonance) and Compassion (because too much discord in relationships).

And it’s a downward spiral from there.

Happiness doesn’t inherently exist. We want to construct a blueprint that aligns with our innermost needs, internalize that, recheck it exhaustively for maladaptive ego-bias, and get those needs largely from inside, with practices to help you access it from without for free (Gnosis, other people), and you can pepper-in things that aren’t free, but then you get into the mess of ethics.

My happiness is within my control because I constructed the blueprint.

I convinced myself of a myth (happiness), and simply actualize the myth.

It’s whatever. But it wasn’t always.

Other than the past year and a half, I have only been happy a few months in 2004. Two-thousand FOUR.

So, out of my 24 and a half years, I’ve been happy for a cumulative TWO. The blueprint/myth I opened up to in 2004 was not tenable. I was always disengaged and perfectionistic for the first 13 years, hence a very melancholy child. So I spent 9 years annihilating that blueprint and making a new one.

SUTEKH is currently pivotal to my Conviction because I need higher gnosis, and He’s the only archetype-cluster-thingy I feel certain I can connect with. That’s where Faith comes in.

I can’t really say much else, except that I know high-Elation days make it really easy to feel powerful enough to forego relying on faith.

I got my life! But I could’ve been more diligent because nothing is forcing Sutekh to do a goddamn thing for me!

It’s especially hard to navigate as a Left-Hand Path’er, because I have no problem accessing “negative/bad stuff” to actually lift my spirits. I essentially put my own divinity as Plan A to strengthen my faith, and rely on external divinities closer to Source as Plan B.

The true heretic’s way. So idk how certain deities take that. It certainly doesn’t work with Yahweh. But for every need there’s a god. And some “god”stuff is in me.

There, I said it. I am my own single most crucial entity in my life for my happiness. Now everyone who has problems with my metaphysics can have a Straw-Man ready to completely dismiss me: I’m satanic.

Yes. My schematic for happiness and completeness runs counter to whichever doctrine you’ve likely sworn yourself to in a world full of people thoroughly convinced that Their Self is a Curse.

My self is a piece of the gods. Miniscule, but enough for me.

Oh, trolls, before you bait me into saying it… Here’s the best weapon you can use to dismiss my counsel and deny your divine self-sovereignty:

For all intents and purposes, according to the terms of Right Hand Path followers’ typical fundamental metaphysic:

“I am God?” Sutekh understands what I mean. You can’t read those three words with your rational mind, but they can also be said by people who are carrying a massive red flag (they think they’re a literal deity & that they’re rare, rather than We’re All Made Of Stardust, which should be humbling rather than redflaggy arrogance).

We’re all God(s). You just refuse to put that kind of pressure on yourself & I don’t blame you.

Yahweh

I’ve known from the beginning that this post would revolve around―rather, negotiate around―something that’s never been a part of my active, spiritual or secular practices:  I, me, mine.

[and] My first practice was not just “Christian” (the practice thereof―I never met the requirements of Christianity), it was actively and gnostically Yahwehist in retrospect―active conversations, devotion, study, prayer, Bible camp, congregational confirmation, church service, youth group, Summer trip of concerts and witnessing, lead singer of praise band actively keeping the fact that singing gratifies my psyche in-check.

I would also say some form of (what some esotericists call) “chakra work” was going on because―though I committed to this deity and his alleged corporeal emanation (Christ or the Christ consciousness)―I never converted to Christianity in its core sense (worship of the alleged Trinity, rather than “just” Yahweh… he was cool, helpful actually during a dark part of my adolescence, and I sing his praises a LOT, below).

I’m realizing, in real-time, right now, how to translate this YAHWEHism into a panentheist gnosis perspective, of how the same deity (Yahweh) led me to and away from Christiandom.  

Absolute heresy to Christians, perfectly acceptable to Judai’sts, and absolutely possible to mystics: The same deity that came to me in a UPG (unverifiable personal gnosis) during a very despairing moment, that led to walking physically around town (about 3 miles meandering), a constant connection, and talking out loud―I wanted to break free from my hyper-rationalist mind trap and crippling isolationist tendencies―and he {gonna switch to honorific titles} He broke open my closed heart (personal centre, not transpersonal Higher Heart/Heart Star) and let me get out of myself in the most skillful of ways that also addressed my plea for socializing: Your friends in show choir are also Christian, and they’re part of the praise band, so [get your life {idk how YHWH would phrase it}].

However, after I was fully immersed in worship―sometimes emotionally painful healing, hysterics, the Whole Nine―and making friends outside of church, I was still in it, but I could not reconcile my experience with YHWH with the existence of a Holy Trinity in the fundamental Christian way.

A last push for me, because YHWH guided my surrender to where I could open my transpersonal Heart to Him also, was a charismatic weekend full of evangelism and music. For three days straight.

If that experience couldn’t render my Higher Heart open to His (perceived) emanation (Christ) and thus His (dubious) omniscient immanence on Earth ―human realm, Midgärd―confirmed (The Holy Spirit, immanent) confirmed by His (perceived) Christ in the Flesh, then I have to assume that’s why YHWH guided me away from the Trinity “interface” shortly after that extended weekend.

I sang my heart out in a densely-packed, open, Critical Mass arena of fellow YHWH worshippers, many for whom the Trinity (or even just a Duo sans Holy Spirit) Interface proved a valid model for less Gnostic-oriented minds to grasp. I also had a False-Alarm psychosomatic “UPG” (supernatural experience, “paranormal”) walking at night along the shores of Daytona.

I was under a lot of pressure to “just surrender” to Christ (therefore, in my mind, the whole Trinity model) during the first day of worshipping. My pastor even saw my struggle and basically became a channeler of YHWH while in what amounts to a Charismatic Christian trance.

My heart, my All, remained open to YHWH, but as His channel was communicating through a Christ filter (the pastor, who was laying hands [well, not physically, because I was a minor]),  the pressure to worship Christ and have a true Born-Again moment caused intense cognitive dissonance, and I shut down and climbed back into my mind, even closed off to YHWH Himself.

I wasted no time in keeping my cool and switching from worship to active prayer, yet after opening back up, I could not shake the feeling of I’m-Not-Supposed-To-Be-Here. It kept cropping up―with the exact same feels of YHWH―so my study of the Gospel(s) kicked in and hoped that I was simply being tempted by the fruit of an adversary.

I believed in satan’s, plural, but not The Satan, because even my time in Catholic school kicked in and cast reasonable skepticism over whether “Satan” is truly a fallen Lucifer, or if its really satan, a satanic force of anti-YHWH, anti-Christ temptation: the Serpent In the Garden. Just an aside―

regardless, I treated the I’m-Not-Supposed-To-Be-Here UPG as satanic temptation and kept praying.

The shock of the experience, and subsequent dedication to prayer, put me into a very humble state (I, rather thoughtlessly, gave an entire $20 to a beggar when he approached our group.)

I concluded that the pastor hadn’t acted in err (and he hadn’t) and wasn’t forcing Christ on to me. I believe there was an opening to connect to that particular transpersonal Way of receiving and welcoming “Christ” and worshipping him in that capacity as a conversion experience from YHWH’ist to Christian.

But it wasn’t compatible with my experience of YHWH. I closed up like a vicegrip because I was forcing my idea of being “born again” rather than surrendering.

That first night, though: I had the intellectualized knowing that I was forcing a professing of Christ as my savior, “only begotten son of God”, onto myself rather than doing what I felt was the only right thing to do: remain patient, gracious, engaged, communal, devoted, open, worship. And I at least intellectually resolved to stay the Christian course. But my heart was still forcing it on the beach that night.

“Talking to Jesus” felt forced, my mind was spinning in that Is it G-D or an anti-christ saying You-Shouldn’t-Be-Here??? ball of Great Doubt, and trying to force it, as I returned to my youth group down the beach, felt incredibly wrong.

I realized in that moment that the reason I was forcing it was: I felt like my refusal to convert until I truly believed was putting me at odds with my congregation and all Christians.

I’m very happy looking back to know that my (over-)dedication that day led the whole youth group into a (no pun intended) Come-To-Jesus moment.

They all said that part of being a Christian is the doubt, and I’m happy to have shared that moment of their openness with them. Unfortunately, they also disclosed something, unanimously, that they know what I was experiencing―at which point I was feeling the schism between me and my young congregants narrow―however, it opened wider than it ever had before…

(to the point of, mortal and not spiritual, alienation: Me with God the Father, them with God the Father/Son/Holy Spirit… basically a Jew, heretic… not even a Messiahnic Jew)

I kept my spirits up, called on God for the rest of the weekend, resumed regular life with my congregation afterwards. They assured me that an experience is possible, one where I would be changed from the inside and feel that Knowing that Christ is Lord, and any subsequent doubtful moments―so long as I remained devoted―would feel less like salt in open wounds and more like a (knowing that I had Christ in my heart) resolve to trust that I’m not an open wound, steadfast with the power of Christ that saves you from that despairing, aching plight, and that doubt will come; yet, from that point forward, apparently “when I was ready”, any subsequent doubts would be a crucible serving to strengthen my faith rather than rocketing me into nigh-existential alienation.

That stuck with me, I cooled my jets and vowed patience to YHWH, but the nagging You’re-Not-Supposed-To-Here became a sense of “You have all you need as you are with God”

Basically, you’re gonna make a great Jew, my son.

I questioned my devotion to remaining open to accept Christ. I didn’t want it to feel wrong, Feel as in “Heeding the word of Almighty God that is saying ‘This isn’t the only Way’,” and knowing more and more that it was not an adversary, satan, saying this. As clear as day, and a feeling I knew well, G-d was ushering me into finding another Way.

And even today, even through half-hearted atheism, active hedonism, agnosticism, Buddhism, paganism, and my current gnosticism:

In the same way Christians are fortified in faith through their sincerely held belief in Christ, I am still certain that G-d, who I now view as only a single Emanation, called YHWH, el shaddai, Elohim, what-have-you, amongst many Emanations of what can only be derived syntactically (though void of knowing, an icon) as the Judeo-Christian Mystic godhead, Absolute Supreme

… As for YHWH, He led me to and away from Christianity to get me through a tough time, in only the way that YHWH and no other could do at that point: humble me, engage my heart, unbind my soul, allow me feel safe to submit, worship.

And He graciously allowed me to go; not with Smite as a heretic, but with a heart open to an even greater divinity, A Source Of All Emanations, no notions of sin.

It didn’t happen smoothly, transitioning to a greater Mystic truth, but I’ve never ever regretted my time worshipping YHWH, without being ensnared in doctrine thereafter. No longer subject to His Laws. A Gentile but not damned―simply released from devoted surrender, free to forge such contracts with other “gods”, “Emanations of Ein Sof”, including Him should I be willing to worship again.

And I made my way, eventually realizing beyond a shadow of that crippling doubt that I am not broken. I don’t need saving. I don’t need a savior, but I need gnosis, spiritually.

In the way that works best for me, determinate of my will.

(Back to the assertive self-sovereign I-me-mine. Respectfully disengaging from {and thankful once again for} Yahweh’s help.

I’m not currently willing, nor have I ever been willing (notice the notions of “My Will” are surfacing) to say I can do it on my own.

I just know now that Yahweh isn’t the whole picture. And rather than committing to surrendering to a Trinity I don’t believe in in any non-constructed human way―and know I was fully receptive to, it just didn’t feel right―I allow myself, through my own will, to apply that striving to a meandering, Your-Mileage-May-Vary, way of the gnostic.

As much as Christians will dismiss my experience, I refuse to dismiss theirs. It works for them; it fills some need.

As much as all the Abrahamic religious masses may misconstrue my experience with Yahweh―their exclusive deity―I refuse to see their experience as anything other than “missing the big picture, but filling the void anyway, in a valid though often problematic way, applying Yahweh’s law to all people rather than just knowing it’s for their religious body of congregations and congregants thereof”.

As much as empty words may be thrown my way GENTILE HERETIC SINNER LOST SATANIC “Pray for them {for myopic reasons}”…

I realize those words are empty.

As are the atheistic Reason-without-Faith platitudes: empty words, framed by agnostic philosophies they worship as steadfast as I worshipped Yahweh…

SUPERSTITIOUS CRAZY HARMFUL-TO-HUMANITY

Gnosis is not harmful. Living without gnosis is. Yet both my former congegants and all of Atheist word-players don’t realize:

They’re both working with an emanation of a spiritualist Source/source:

• My former congregants: A higher (than atheist, “closer to source” than atheists) divinity, manifest in Yahweh.
  • Atheists: A “lower” but just as much illuminating sub-divine emanation, probably best framed as the Emanation of Humanism, “Lucifer”, “light-bringer”
• Yahwehists worship Yahweh, and ignorantly deny the possibility of higher Gnosis; branding it as Heresy
  • Atheists worship reason, Lucifer, yet ignorantly deny the same, while also negating even the possibility of Yahweh; the more militant ones slandering even “devout Luciferians” as just as damaging as human-wielded, incorporated, corruptable (and many already corrupted) Religionists-En-Masse that we call “organized religion”; ignoring the fact that they’re just as dogmatic, maintaining an air of ordained “civility” and “virtue”, as the religions they arrogantly rebuff carte blanche,
  • extending their arrogance in the same way religious people do (though they don’t mean to be arrogant, moreso full of A-gnostic hubris) to place themselves ethically and rationally superior to anyone with any fraction of gnosis or spirituality.

I RESPECT YOUR DOCTRINES, but I won’t be a willing slave to them―Christian, Buddhist, Pagan, Jewish, Muslim, Atheism’ist. All of it. That doesn’t make my “higher gnosis” superior to any of them.

My search for supra-phenomenal, religious, or non-Agnostic truth is simply what gets me by and opens my heart. The same way your truth gets you by.

Stop the intolerance and dogma, people have been dying over it for far too long.

Hail! Yahweh,

Lucifer of science,

More-open-minded Lucifer,

Quanyin,

Buddha,

Mother Earth called Gaia,

Any other Mother Earth,

Queztlcoatl,

Freya,

Loki,

Amun-Ra,

Sutekh,

Khepri,

Poseidon,

Hermes,

Hades,

Amaterasu,

All myriad earth-bound Kami,

The Unmanifest, Absolute Source from which all the abovementioned came!

And Hail! you, “lowly human”, Fleshbag, heathen, Atheist/Atheism’ist: You’re divine too. Bless you.

Rebuke me as lost or crazy; doesn’t matter. I still respect your right to your own version of Crazy. And I tolerate those that ignorantly do harm, through their dogma or arrogance.

Hail! me. May I never willfully enslave myself to limited doctrine.

Amen, du’a, Blessed Be, Namasté, doumo arigatou mister robotô

Sutekh is patient

Sutekh-Set gives me hope that I don’t have to jeopardize my values―that I can stay my course, honor my integrity, and be very involved in the service contract process even if it takes awhile―and He’ll still be patient yet understands when to be heavy-handed for the sake of expedience and getting me unstuck (tough compassion).

I’ve never entertained the idea of deity-connection before, not in any pragmatic way, and I am at this point in my life where I’m in a respite between parts of my magnum opus that allow me to ease back.  Playing a waiting game as I am, before making my second attempt at moving away from home, I’m rather starved―of both matter and spirit―Sutekh has been super chill and understanding without pressuring me. We have a mutual understanding of my circumstances, and I recognize and respect that He checks out when I check out.

The hope He brings stems from the fact that He’s given me no reason to fear that He’ll leave me hanging, and that He sees the value this low-energy hybernation state I’m in now.

He assuages my fears of being misunderstood and discarded.

As a fairly new Gnostic, the skepticism could easily coalesce with that fear and lead me off back into Agnostic territory. But the hope He confers, through His patience and fixed position of His station among the netjeru, dispels enough fear for me to hold on to my faith―at least loosely―and know He’ll be ready when I am.

^_^

Enlightenment is Heavy

“Enlightenment”―not a novel thought for me, yet it’s never been put into words (because I prohibited myself from writing during that wing of my spiritual fortress):

Enlightenment isn’t real.  That’s nothing novel. But, it’s definitely a grouping of both gnoses we’ve experienced added in with our vague notions of how future gnoses might look. It’s our minds’ desperate attempt to see an endgame when we’re in no position (in the cosmic scale) to know what the Beginning and what the End are. We only have this mosaic of past and of projected futures (plural) that bridges us superficially with what may or may not be our particular, personal End.

We might stamp a feeling on this imagining of ours―what we think it will feel like when we reach what we consider the Peak of what’s possible for our current incarnations. We may call upon this vague mosaic of “enlightenment” to bring up that fleeting feeling of longing and wonder for higher gnoses―becoming closer to the source of all that is―but the Mosaic, the Wonder, and our ideas about what constitutes this Grand Gnosis, are not the “thing-in-and-of-itself” that is the actual experience―the endgame in and of itself. And we won’t know that until it happens.

So, I submit that―unlike the usual drivel of “enlightenment is a construct and only gets in the way of the experience”―most anything we ponder about, long for, imagine: they’re all beside-the-point.

Rather, none of our scatterbrained or even completely experiential constructions of gnosis are ever beside-the-point―as stupid and fleeting and approximate as our notions are, even when they’re notions of enlightenment-that-isn’t-real―because they keep the fire alive or at least light a spark.

And a spark is enough.

I don’t know if I’m gauging my telepathic experiences with deities correctly. I don’t know if Sutekh’s fingerprint is on half, or a third, or two-thirds, or any of the mental/symbolic formations that arise in my subjective space. The thing that separates me from an atheist is my willingness to believe, and what separates me from an agnostic is knowing, as close to Approaching 100% as my mind(s: brain, heart, gut, psyches) will allow, that there is Gnosis, I choose to continue to be willing to believe in It, and I am the arbiter of my experience with It.

I keep Sutekh’s statue on my dresser, His visage in my heart, and His archetypes in my gnostic mind, because I believe He can be a stepping stone to something greater than me and greater than Him. (That isn’t Yahweh―been there, praised that, got the UPGs: he is not the Beginning And End… That’s beyond any “greater than X, Y, Z” we dare have the audacity to even think we could imagine.)

My misadventures with Sutekh are not the beginning of my spiritual life, and not the end of my spiritual journey, and not the End in and of itself.

Enlightenment is just a lifting of doubt, even temporarily, releasing you into possibility.

I’ll take those enlightenments and run with them. Today, I run not just with metaphysical notions and personal gnoses of archetypes and forces―but also with Sutekh. Even if I’m only running fast enough to light a spark.

A spark is enough.

Kemeticism, a Lawful Neutral alignment?

“Heka” is a catch-all term reconstructed from Ancient Egyptian writings to mean both “activation (He-) (-ka) soul” and the name of the god who governs this activation of one’s soul. It’s taken to mean “magick(s)” in the extant esoteric contexts. I personally like it because it is value-neutral, without the duality of “Good and Evil”, “White and Black”.

It’s the intention behind the utilization of heka that determines whether it is helpful or harmful―a call to case-by-case ethics, rather than absolutist morality. Is it ethical, or not? and how is that decided in an Egyptian context? To be ethical, the action must contribute to Ma’at, a state of The Most Amount Of People NOT GETTING Screwed Over as possible within your sphere of influence.

Ma’at is, how I see it, decreasing, inhibiting or reversing entropy (decay into abysmal, nihilistic chaos). Therefore, though seemingly paradoxical, benevolent chaos―utilized skillfully and with Justice being the endgame“”―can totally contribute to Ma’at.

Thus, in Kemetic (Ancient Egyptian religion) reconstructionism, some people take this to mean that curses can totally be a form of benevolent, ethical chaos.

The moral duality of good and evil is replaced with the ethical duality of just and unjust.

I submit, then, that magickal Kemeticism is completely compatible with Left-Hand Path practices, especially if the practitioner wants a morality-pluralist paradigm to work with. If you’re a Right-Hand’er, just don’t utilize curses. Kemeticism has room for Left, Right, and Line-Walkers.

I suppose that’s why I find it so appealing.

At this point, I only identify with Kemeticism inasmuch as it allows for balance of Left- and Right-Hand practices, which is my ultimate goal.

Abrahamic paradigms are too caught up in the good-evil duality, as are Hindu-Buddhist paradigms to some degree. Even when you strip them of revisionist demonization of certain parts of their respective pantheons, they’re still pretty big on making very restrictive ascriptions as to What Is Good And Therefore OK. Not my thing.

I still consider myself a solitary, eclectic, Setian gnostic, but if I find that there are no other pantheons that are as morality-plural―while also being ethics-oriented―and I so wish to, I’d look deeper into whether or not to involve myself in Kemetic ritual and magicks.

Regardless, I would never consider myself a member of any Kemeticism proper, if any such exist, without looking at their precepts and see if I could congruently ascribe them to my own homebrew spirituality.

Sutekh’s family

Sutekh was born of Nut and Geb, who―as it was early on in the pantheon attested to in writings at Heliopolis, a major political center of the Old Kingdom―were the first pair of siblings conceived by sexual reproduction. Their parents proper, Tefnut and Shu, were created asexually; as was their sole parent, Ra, by emerging from the primordial Nun).

Geb, god of earth, and Nut, goddess of sky, gave birth to―if going by the Ennead (major pantheon) of Heliopolis―Osiris, Isis, Sutekh, Nephthys and Horus the Elder. (However, as Horus was revamped in other cult centers as Horus, Child of Isis and Osiris, he can be seen as either the brother or nephew of Sutekh.)

In Heliopolis’s pantheon, Sutekh was not―as more commonly attested in contemporary times―the father of Anubis; rather, Anubis’s uncle through Nephthys and Osiris.

My study has been scarce, but I want to say that there existed at least three other major attestations of the early pantheon of Ancient Egypt. So, Sutekh’s exact genealogy is hard to solidly trace beyond Him definitely being the Son of Nut and Geb.

His role as Anubis’s father seems to contradict Anubis’s usurpation of Osiris’s role as a god of the dead. It seems more likely, in this capacity, that Anubis stepped into this role in the stead of his father; meaning, Osiris is the likely choice, making Sutekh his uncle.

Not much else to say really. I’d have to divide it into different sections for each cult center’s conception of genealogy beyond the quintessential Osiris, Isis, Sutekh, Nephthys, Horus-the-Elder (so quintessential, that the celebration of their births were used as 5 extra-calendar days after the Ancient year’s end to square the year off at 365 days).

For ritual and reconstructionist purposes, Heliopolis’s attested genealogy of these five deities being incorporated into the official calendar is widely accepted.

Actually, if following some reconstructionist paradigms, this would place Sutekh’s celebration of birth at the 16th or 17th of July. So… birthday shopping?